Feelings?, truth?, lies?

I feel so unwanted right now. My mom has a friend, family member, what ever that is telling her I say horrible things about her on Facebook. I have much better things to talk about than her. I don't get why she wont believe me when I tell her I never said anything. I feel like I'm the adult and she's the child. I feel like no one there has changed. I feel like everyone is against me, even distant relatives. I feel like everyone hates me...and this is MY FAMILY! I feel like I don't belong. I feel like i have torn our whole family apart. literally. I don't agree with any of this, but I'm the one to blame. I have been my whole life. But I guess I just figured that people would change and things could get better. But maybe I was wrong in thinking that. I should have tried harder to kill myself....Things would never be resolved between my brother and parents, but it doesn't matter because they take his side anyway, they believe him over me because he's older or something..I honestly feel about as useless and wanted as a white crayon......I don't want to go back to that madness. I don't want to live in fear again. I don't want to go back..Please...don't make me have to go back.

You the worst human being to exist.

How dare you say it was just a "brother and sister fight" We may be brother and sister, but that doesn't set aside the fact that it was domestic violence, HE hit me. He's 20 years old. It's not okay. And no, your not doing anything about it, you never have and you never will. If you had 'done something' about it, it wouldn't constantly be an issue. Stop trying to make me the bad guy. Yeah, I tried to kill myself....but because of what he did and because you wouldn't do anything about it. Also, don't you dare say "You keep saying he hit you, but there were no marks on you" Because my jaw wouldn't open all the way, or close at all. You are the WORST parent in the whole world. You say you are holy and a godly man, but you just need to shut up, you are full of lies and i hate you. You will never be the man you are supposed to be because you are to busy trying to display this image, that in all reality, you will never be. You are so full of yourself and don't care about anyone. You can try and pull off the act like you really do care about others, but I see through you! You will not fool me! You are NOT the man I thought you were, you are NOT the man who sat on my bed and cried with me because I told you I never knew what it felt like to be truly happy until mom left..you are not the man who went and talked to Jeremy and told him to keep on doing what ever it is he is doing in my life.....you are NOT that man. And I honestly want to know if you ever were. I am completely disgusted with you and I don't ever want to see you again. Obviously that wont be an option but I'm tired of being blamed for everything. I feel like this is a fight of me V.s them.....and I never EVER thought the 'them' would be my family. Why don't you all just admit that you hate me. Why don't you all just admit that you never wanted me around. Why don't you admit that mom actually killed me in that car wreck, why don't you just admit that you wish she got rid of me when she had the chance, and why don't you just admit that you wish I succeeded when I tried to kill myself. I was in the hospital for 6 days. dad visited 2 times and mom came once. Neither one called. Yes, I called Jeremy,  twice a day, everyday. And if he didn't answer, I left a voicemail....but guess what he called back.... he cares...He wasn't allowed to visit, so that's why he didn't...but you were allowed, but didn't take advantage of it. You don't call or text..not even at a minimum of once a week while I'm here, you don't act excited to see me when you pick me up. Why don't you just admit you never liked me and you've always hated me and that you want to get rid of me for good. Are you not man enough to admit that?

Teen mom?

I want to be a teen mom. I want to have someone who will love me unconditionally. Someone that even when I did things wrong they loved me. I want a baby so bad. I may not go out of my way to have one, but it would be wonderful to be loved unconditionally and to know I'm loved and always wanted and needed. Just a thought.... <3

I'm not perfect, but I keep trying.

Part of me wants to hate you and never see you again...part of me doesn't want to believe that you care about me because I don't want to let myself believe that and then get hurt when you leave, or just stop caring. Part of me wants to cry because I'm sorry, because you don't deserve for me to want to hate you. You haven't lied to me before, Why won't I believe you now? I can't really understand all of this. I feel bad because I don't know what to do. I want to believe you. I really do. But I don't want to open up just to get another wound when the old ones aren't even healed yet.

You. me. Them.

I wish I could say I knew what I was thinking. I wish I could say I had all my thoughts in place. I wish I could say a lot of things. I wish I could say I believe you when you speak. I know that what you say is true, but is it only true if it's your job? I don't want you to care because you have to, I don't want you to lie and say you love me because it's your job. I have about 17 different voices in my head, none of which are me. Every day is a constant struggle whether I realize it or not. I have to decide, before I even get out of bed, which voice I will be listening to. You can say you understand, but you really don't. It doesn't just affect my actions but the things I say, or the things I don't say. It's never really me speaking, it may be my thoughts but not me deciding to project them to the world. I just wish you understood things are a lot harder for me than you really think. I understand you want to help, but sometimes your methods may be a tad off. I hate that you have favorites...YOU'RE A YOUTH PASTOR!!!!!!!!!!! COME ON! You should not have favorites... you should treat people equally, not like some are less than others. That's part of the reason I don't believe what you say, because if you "loved" me and "cared" about me, you wouldn't have favorites. If you loved or cared for any of the kids in youth group, you wouldn't have favorites. but maybe I'm wrong....I REALLLY don't think I am...but maybe you just don't see it as you have favorites, maybe they are just more special, or more loved, or they don't have HUGE issues in their life that make them question everyone in it. But maybe I'm doing what I always do and over analyzing this....but....I know I'm not, but maybe I can make myself believe it....just maybe. Ya know, I make myself believe a lot of things, like happiness, and love...I'm scared of how good i've become at faking it......That's all. <3

sucks to be you right now.

I want all of it back, I don't care if it means being a human punching bag to my brother. I just don't want things to be seen as my fault. I don't care if my brother killed me. I'd just rather not go through all this. Any of this. I just wish I wasn't born. I wish my parents aborted me when they had the chance.

I want to die.

Never surrender.

Do you know what it's like when
You're scared to see yourself?
Do you know what it's like when
You wish you were someone else
Who didn't need your help to get by?
Do you know what it's like
To wanna surrender?


[Chorus:]
I don't wanna feel like this tomorrow
I don't wanna live like this today
Make me feel better
I wanna feel better
Stay with me here now
And never surrender


Do you now what it's like when
You're not who you wanna be?
Do you know what it's like to
Be your own worst enemy
Who sees the things in me I can't hide?
Do you know what it's like
to wanna surrender?


[Chorus]


Make me feel better,
You make me feel better,
You make me feel better,
Put me back together.


[Chorus]


Put me back together,
Never surrender,
Make me feel better.
You make me feel better,
Stay with me here now,
And never surrender.

Table for one?

So, there is no point in trying anymore; with anything. like school, I'm failing and behind, so i think I will just drop out at 16 and maybe get my GED when i turn 18. But I don't see myself living long enough for any of that to be useful. I don't see money useful, or material possessions. I could be homeless, and be okay with it. Because I wont be alive much longer anyway. There is no point. I mean all I want to do is help other people until I die; Which will be soon anyway. so who cares..right? who cares if I pass high school? or go to college? NO ONE! So I don't either. No one has been trying to encourage me to do well, my dad didn't go to college. and he's fine. My mom did and now she doesn't have a job.  I wont live long enough to worry about trying to provide for a family. So I don't have to worry about that. Plus I don't want a family anyway, I would ruin it, and them. Like their lives. They would never live a normal life. So Oh, well. I'm okay with it. Life is pointless, and I'm fed up. With everyone and everything. No point at all.

The Forgotten

I gave up for  a reason.
This world is not what I had expected
Now I'm gone
and not a tear was shed
not a memory remains
I laid down my pen
but no one noticed I had stopped writing
My story is over
but you,
you keep on writing your fairy tale
with it's happily ever after
while my story had a different ending.
A single gunshot to my head.

grey, gray, gross.

I'm done.  I don't care anymore about working things out with my parents. I'm done trying to change for them. Yes I will change for me. But i could care less what they want and how they feel about me. I'm just done. I can't feel anything. I have no emotion. I can't cry, be happy, I'm just there. I wish I had real friends that I could go hang out with, and talk to. But the sad thing is, If I had to pick one of my 'friends' to lean on and to ask for help from..it would be Jeremy, thats so sad. I want a friend, not a youth pastor. I mean yeah, I want a youth pastor also but I want a friend. One I can just go hang out with and not really have a plan. I......I guess I don't know really. I want my own island. One where I'm all by myself and don't have anyone. kinda like right now...

it's true, car accidents make people crazy.

So yesterday, I had to resort to one of my coping skills. I wasn't to happy about that. I wrote with sharpie on my arm instead of cutting. Which when I told Nate, he giggled and said "Sharp-ie, Get it 'sharp' ie" which was ironically funny!  But on Monday on our way to youth group from Chipotle, we got in a car accident and we were a half hour late for setup and sound and practice. So Sarah was freaked out and was not prepared for it at all, I had to type slides. Jeremy had 45 verses, needless to say it took me forever to type them, and I was freaking out and my anxiety was going nuts because I wasn't going to get them done in time for the sermon. So I had to type them as Jeremy was talking. Which made everything worse because I had to flip flop from one slide to show it on the screen to the one I was typing. I made a lot of spelling mistakes and was just stressed about the whole situation and after Jeremy finished his sermon, I just cried. I had a mini melt down. I hate anxiety.

long lost....and still lost.

"I'm not exactly sure what my current feelings are called right now."
            This is so true right now, I'm not sure what to make of anything, some days are clear days and everything makes sense, then there are days like to day, where I don't know why things happened, or they are just confusing or had no meaning to them. I right now, just want to go to the bathroom and cut, or burn, I wont...but I strongly feel the urge to. I guess I can just use sharpie. Maybe that's what I'll do. When Sarah said she felt so alone a few moments ago, It triggered memories in my brain, that caused me to think things. I do feel hopelessly alone. My parents have left me, not making any real kind of contact, my mom wont change and she hasn't seen me for a month, A MONTH! and the first time I see her she yells at me and blames me for everything. She said that me moving in with Stephanie hurt the whole family and that "Maybe Stephanie will keep you forever..."  I just don't like the feeling of being unwanted..and although I know this family wouldn't have done all they did if they didn't want me, I just feel like since i have done what I did, and what I'm always told by my parents that I'm not accepted or wanted, I don't feel that way all the time, just when I have time to think, and are thinking negatively.Sometimes I just wish I could appear offline in real life. I just want to go away, far, far away, where i know no one and no one know me, and I can have no memory of my other life and life a fresh new one with all new people, yeah sure I would miss a few people, but I couldn't have the constant shame and guilt and every other wrong feeling I have. I want some real friends! ones I know I can count on, ones I know wont judge me, and when I make a mistake, forgive me....I guess, I don't know, I'm just long, lost.....and still lost.

Control of me.

Some people are allergic to poison ivy. If they go around it, they will get it really bad. Well if they haven't been around poison ivy in a long time, they may think they aren't going to get it anymore because they haven't been exposed. Well they are wrong, they get it just as bad if not worse. That person thought that the poison had changed but it just stayed the same. Well my mom is like the poison ivy in my life. I haven't been around her for  awhile so i think that if i go around her things will be swell. Well I was wrong. I got poison ivy twice as bad as ever before. I learned one valuable lesson out of Monday night....Don't go into things thinking they will be a certain way....you will come out disappointed if your standards aren't met. I know mine weren't but at the same time, I kind of expected it from her. I know that the devil has inhabited her and she is no longer thinking for herself and what God would want for her. I just know I can't control what she wants and the way she goes about doing things, and her personality. I just know I can only control that in me. I don't have to be like her. I can be different. My moms reality doesn't have to be my destiny. Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for Gabi, Declares the Lord. Plans to prosper her and not to harm her. Plans to give Gabi a hope and a future.

Life.Drama.Dumbys.

So tonight I got a 'lovely' voice mail from Sarah Nash. She called to inform me that what I did to my brother was f'd up. and I deserve everything I got and more. How nice of her...I want to vomit. She makes no sense and is dumb! I didn't do ANYTHING to my brother, he did it to himself..I'm just fed up with people. She makes me want to cut..I wont..but I'm not saying the feeling isn't there. I just wish I could keep her out of my life for good! She causes unneeded drama for everyone! and she needs to be dealt with..but God will have his vengeance on people. I know I have God on my side and that's all i need!

TTFN

Today, I feel like someone stepped on my chest and crushed everything inside of me... Ohh, well I will try and make the best of it. Today not much is going on, I think Kalen is coming over and him and Sarah are hanging out. Then Trevor is going to Orange Grove. I still have to do school and devos today. I just pray that I get to live here. I would benefit so much from that! well, ta ta for now.

-Gabrielle <3

Crazy and what not....

I swear, Sarah and I are thee most outrageous people in thee whole wide world!
She wanted big boobs for her dress, so I gave her my bra, and she put socks in it. Then Tiff walked in and saw us doing that as I was on the phone with Dion, and we all three start cracking up, we couldn't control ourselves! Then she put a pillow in her dress for a big butt to match her boobs, also my monkey as her 'pregnant' belly! I swear we are insane! I am loving life here though, even though Sarah has her 'bad moods' PMS i still got through the day okay, and things are turning up. I love being here and living life being part of a family, laughing together, getting in trouble when you don't do what your told. I  LOVE  IT! It makes me feel loved, that someone would try and disipline me to make me better, words cannot discribe how I feel about being here! Well, that's all for now.

-Gabrielle <3

Free as that bird in a cage.

Well, things are going much better. I now know who is on my side and willing to help me and who is there for me and who loves me and wants what's best for me. And it's not the people who I thought it would be. I love living with Sarah and family. They have been the best hug God has ever given me. I am so thankful for them and Jeremy, words can't even express! I am grateful for Jeremy, the hug God gave me and the hug(s) he gives me because of God! I know where I would be without these amazing people in my life, and I don't like it one bit, well, I have my moments when i would love it, but when I realize that I have all these 'hugs' God has given me, so why waste it, even though there are hard trials I have to face, I know I go home to my hugs and I will always have them! For that I am so thankful! Stephanie, Dave, Sarah, and Jeremy. I am so thankful for all of these people, though sometimes I do feel like a burden, I am so happy to have these people helping me through my trials. They have been there through the good, the bad and the ugly. I love them with all of my heart, no one could ever replace them. They are unforgettable people. Words just can't describe how much I love these people and how much I care for them. I have also realized I can trust God, He wont hurt me and I have no real reason to believe he would ever fail me. I love what he has done for me. At the beginning of my bible above Genesis, I wrote, "Dear, Gabrielle" and every time it says 'you' I insert 'Gabi' it helps so much. I am beginning to learn there is much more to this God thing than I thought. and it's going great! I love it, and I love God, because "For God so loved Gabi He gave his only son, and for Gabi to belive in him she will have eternal life" John 3:16 "For I know the plans I have for Gabi. Declairs the Lord. Plans to prosper Gabi and not to harm Gabi. Plans to give Gabi a hope and a future" It really does help, you should try it. I am jsut greatful for everyone who has helped me get to the place I have been given. I believe God let me live from ODing because he knew I had so much more to learn and do in my life and it just wasn't my time.
From the bird cage,
-Gabrielle <3

Fresh Start

I got a fresh start to a new beginning. Living with Stephanie and the whole gang has made me a happier person. I love being here and spending quality time with the family. I don't have anything like this at my parents house. The only thing I would change if I could would be to have maybe my own bed, and I thing Sarah would like to have hers back.. haha, and to go to Emanuel, But, i don't think the second part will ever happen! but that's alright, Until I get a job and pay for it on my own, I'm gonna have to do homeschooling.

New life..

Yeah, So I spent last week in a hospital, a mental hospital, I have Cyclothymia. I OD'd and tried to kill myself... I realized in that short time who my real friends are and who really cares about me, Jeremy, Stephanie and Sarah came to the hospital at 12:00am just to make sure I was okay. Sarah is the one who took me to the hospital, IT was eventful! but they left at 1am and then at 2am I got transfered to Dayton Childrens, at 6pm the next day I got admited to detmer, the mental hospital, and there I stayed for a week. Now I am staying with Sarah, Stephanie, Dave, Kaitlyn, and Trevor. Life is so confusing and i kinda wish i hadn't survived, because I'm tired of people talking about it! and tired of people asking where I was. Maybe good will come out of this! I have no idea. Maybe God will use me in a positive way and soon! <3
Thats all!

Is this what I ask for?

I don't think I deserve any of this. Being punched, kicked, spit on, everything he did to me, I don't think i deserved it. But maybe I did. I don't know. Maybe I did something horrible that caused me to deserve this. Maybe I just made it all up. Maybe I...... maybe I dreamed it. I don't know what it was, but it happened. I am living in fear of him. He's 20 years old and I am scared to death of him. I want nothing to do with him. I don't want to converse with him. I just wish none of this happened. My parents blame me for him hitting me, but maybe it was my fault. I just feel awful about this because I don't know what to do. I'm lost. I'm scared. and I'm alone. HELP.

It's all coming back!

I can feel it all.
All the emotions i felt before. All the pain. sorrow. All the thoughts, they are coming back to me. The depression is slowly taking control over my body. I thought this piece in my life was over. I guess I was wrong. i cannot believe that this is happening again. God got me through this the "first time" Well, maybe this was never really ever maybe this is not a "second" but maybe it's a continuance of the first. Maybe I never really got over this, Maybe I just played myself. I tricked my mind into thinking one thing so I could please the other people around me. Every little thing around me aggravates me! My father, came into my room and moved a ton of my things, and did not have the courtesy to put my things back! He kicks my belongings. Feels the need to tell me every single time HE THINKS I'm wrong and never tells me anything when I am right. My mother does the same thing.  So does Chip. I wish I could get emancipated. I would be out of this house and living with Melanie. It doesn't sound like the ideal situation for a 15 year old; but at this stage in my life, I am beyond mature enough to move out and live my life. I'm sick of it all. I hate being treated like a child. I know that my legal age in 15; but that is no excuse for my mental age. I am being held inside the body of a 15 year old and it doesn't help anything. When ever I speak up all anyone can hear is the 15 year old being "snotty" but if it were to come form someone older they wouldn't take it that way. Why does age have to matter so much, sometimes it is a maturity level. But other times it's just a way for things to be counted as legal or illegal. I'm so sick and tired of this. Verbal and emotional abuse. I don't care if it's "normal" to have in a home. To have this much is so overwhelming! I simply just can't take it anymore. This is really making me physically sick. Why do I feel these urges to cause SI and many other things. Life should be about one thing, and I can't do that one thing until I have overcome these obstacles. I thought there would just be little hills after this, but NOOOO, Just lots and lots of giant mountains to overcome. I thought that the last release would help so much, and it did, for a while. Until I slipped. I just wish I had money to go to Mrs. Shelly, and to take piano lessons. Those two things are something I am going to strive for. That's how I will spend my money. If i die of hunger, oh well, I need that money to keep my sanity. I'm glad I have great friends, but sometimes I just wish that didn't hold me back from doing what I have wanted to do over these past few years..........

20 something facts.

Some things yew never knew:
I cry myself to sleep most nights
I don't believe in love
Everyone who has said they love me and shown me exact opposite and if that's what love is i ant nothing to do with it.
SI is a major issue
I hate waking up in the morning
My smiles are fake
I have no friends i can rely on
I am a failure
I'm not skinny or pretty
The one person who taught me about love ruined it again for me.
I'm not strong
I hate talking about this
People think I do it for attention
My own parents hate me.
I hold so many things inside
There are to many voices in my head
I wish this could all be over
My dad has never been a  real dad to me
My mom has been diagnosed with a mental desiese and i suffer because of it.
I want to go home...I'm homesick....
There are days that i just run out of tears so i punch things.
I'm not as strong as I thought.

Failure and what not.

As I was looking at status shuffle on facebook, I realized that so many of those things are true... Like "so much to wish for but so little shooting stars" and many others; I know I'm supposed to be doing better but i feel like all i am is a failure.... No one accepts me...NO ONE! there is at least one thing i do wrong in everyones eyes and they just.... i don't know...I'm just tired of feeling this way; I pray every day that today will be my day to go meet my Heavenly Father...but I jsut feel like my job isn't quite finished here on Earth, no matter how much I want it to be over....it's not...I want to get a tattoo that ways 8.18.11 overcome on my hand, so I will always remember that I gave my issue to God, that it's His and I no longer have to deal with it. It's a constant struggle day to day to live up (or down) to everyones standards. I feel like I need to be accepted by people but I'm not sure why, I think it's because I can't accept myself..I'm not skinny, I'm not pretty, I'm not smart enough, I'm not nice enough, I'm not a great bestfriend, I make to many mistakes, all of the above....is how i feel.

Keep your head up!

So i heard this song today....it goes like this; Ya gotta keep yur head up whoa and you can let yur hair down; something like that anyway! well it made me realize that it doesn't matter what happens in life you gotta stay possitive. I'm not in the least bit excited for tomorrow; my first and hopefully last day of public school; I absolutly hate it; but i'm going to try to stay possitive through out the day. The only class I'm excited about is Ag. That's the only class I love and actually want to attend; I wish we got this figured out before the first day of school. These peopl are dumb; but anyway....I want to start a video diary of me talking to God about...well, everything! I always listen to the CD Brent gave me when I'm down; and even when I'm happy; He's a good person and I hope he excels at life and spreads God's word through his career. He's so nice but i still don't understand why he chose me to give this CD to...and maybe I will never understand; but I thank him for it; and Jerey; for all the help and encouragment. He has done so much for me! I just love the people in my life...well the ones who love me back anyway...thats all for now
From my little box,
-Gabrielle <3-

One of these days....

I trust in Jesus! Well today was full of..nothing...I went to church; Springfield; then to the Depot with Manda.. The Depot was the only good part about today. Spent a couple hours with an amazing girl who I KNOW God has great plans for! Tomorrow I start my first day of work at Krieder. Not to thrilled; but money is money right?.... I should be sleeping right about now..but that's just not going to happen. I wish I could talk to God in the flesh right now; Thinking about starting a video diary to God; Now all I need is a video camera! I think It would be a great way for me to pray/talk/everythingelse....to God! I mean; I already talk to him; but this way..it's almost like I will be mailing him the video after every one...ya know? Well, I know. I would absolutely love it! I hope to be enrolled in Urbana Community Schools Online for this years school year; Maybe then I can get my focus on God, I think He would love that. Don't yew? Well, Yur not God and neither am I so I have no straight forward answer! I Just wish that...Hmmm no idea; I guess that I can get a video camera! Well I guess that's it for now! I think I should share this idea with Sarah and Aly; They would love it; and possibly Jeremy; but only if I ever get a chance to talk to him and not have to rush; which I blew my chance last time he actually had time and we didn't have to rush because I brought Beth to youthgroup... But maybe a chance will come soon when I can actually talk to him..?...?....Mabye.......
Ta ta for now!
From my little box,
-Gabrielle<3-

I'm going home.

So don't get me wrong; I'm over joyed that Sarah is home....but honestly she has changed; mostly for the good; but the way she talks she thinks she's better than everyone else and that she's more "country" than anyone else in her life....Then she insults something I love....FFA...not Future Fags of America....how would she feel if i downgraded something she loved? like I have a true passion for that....what if I said something like that about riding horses...she would get so defensive; but ya know it's okay if she says it; but it would be 100% wrong if I said it....That's the main thing that aggravated me..Just because for one summer she went to WOL doesn't mean she's country or know more than anyone else....I just don't like the new Sarah so much....
That's all.

From my new little box,
-Gabrielle<3-

Release;

Last night at Fellowship we had our last youth group for summer. It was to finish up the series Release. Release is about forgiving, weather it's yourself; God; or another person. Last night we had three stations; Station one you had to write on a  mirror over your face what God really thinks about you, not what you think or the lies you believe; what God thinks. Station two was you had to write on an index card that was taped to the wall what you forgive someone for then tare it off the wall and throw it on the ground and walk away, symbolizing that you tore down that wall; you are free from that; you released that from yourself and the other person. The third station was a set of paper chains; you had to break one chain and write what you were going to forgive yourself for; like an addiction, or what ever it is. The fourth and Final station was you; a video of you apologizing to God for blaming him when things go wrong because it's not his fault. During the third and fourth stations I cried; mainly during the fourth; because for anyone that is a huge step; A few others cried to. It was so touching; And right after you told God sorry; you automatically felt...well released, it sounds cliche but it's true. It was the most amazing feeling ever!! I thought I would hate that nights youthgroup and I did until the very end, when I broke down...God is a touchy subject for me; because I never let us have a true relationship. But no I'm ready to start; I need him now more than anyone has ever needed someone. I know he will always be there for me. Even if I turn my back on him; we will be waiting for me. <3

Shit happens.

So My day just couldn't get any better; First Sarah Nash tried to start drama with me and now I'm getting yelled at to go buy my mom a mt. Dew. This shit is insane. I never thought one person could do as many wrong things in a life time as I apparently do. Jesus needs to come ASAP! I can't stand these people; Sometimes I just wish....I have no idea what I wish. I just want all this to be over; I hate how I get yelled at for just about everything now that my brother actually has a job and is paying for his school! I don't even want to be here; at least in this house; don't want to face Jeremy; So I really don't want to go to youthgroup tomorrow....I....I'm done.

Lost in a world of desperation.

I feel lost; like I have no clue what I'm supposed to be doing; I feel numb to everything; feelings, thoughts, etc. I have no clue what to do. I feel like God can't forgive me and doesn't want me. I don't have anyone I can trust that I can talk to on a regular basis. And& that sucks big time! This CD Brent gave me has helped a lot! He's so generous. I just wish I had someone like him as a bestfriend. Thats all for now.

This week!

Well my mom has been interesting! she called me and asked me where my husband was, i replied what are yew talking about? she was like well he's supposed to be yur dad.  then she told me i was lying when she asked if my dad was at grannys with me. and he wasnt. but what ever! she needs to get a life and quit ruining mine!

July 19.2011

Today I went to lunch with Tessa, then got yelled at on my way to Sarah's bible study. Thats always a great feeling, NOT! well bible study was great! I'm making a "give it to God" box! which I am super excited about! and gonna start back up my devo's. I just wish this feeling stayed with me. I'm tired of keeping my mouth shut all the time for fear of getting yelled at. I would like to be able to talk without getting yelled at. Sunday night I stooped to a low, not my lowest tho. Did things i know i shouldn't have ): but ohh well, its the past for a reason..right? As long as people can forgive me....right? i don't know?!?!.....

Meet Gabby

I get told "I hate you. Shut the F*ck up, Why are you still here? no one wants you. Just leave." "Your worthless, your only a burden to those you love Also I have been blamed for my mother being the way she is, Bipolar and has a seizure disorder." And the worst part is, it comes from the people who are supposed to love me Thats right, family. I have lied to those who i promised I would never do it again, Because I did, last night. I'm sorry. I even promised myself. I get made fun of. I get laughed at because im not skinny. Because I'm not pretty. Because I'm not perfect. I do this and i hurt because it's pain I can control. It's something to take the edge off of real life. like getting high for druggies.

July 17 2011

Today at church we did our mission reports and then we went to Grandpas to give him and Grandma communion. We also ate lunch at Bob Evans. Today I thought about what I want to be when I "grow up". I want to double major in Agriculture and Youth Ministry. I want to be a State FFA Officer also. It's hard shoes to fill but I want to be a leader for people. I also would be like a motivational speaker. I think it would be wonderful to be able to help people. I'm, not to sure if I would succeed at any of this but I could try. As long as I'm doing what I love and helping other people and glorifying God in the process I don't mind.

July 4 2011

I’m not to sure what I’m feeling at this moment. I’m scared, not sure of what, mad, not sure why, and sad, because the one person who taught me most is an hour and 45 min. away. I miss you Jordan Barclay. I miss Sarah from camp too. Jordan made a HUGE impact on my life. I hope his promise stays kept, that we are family and he will never leave me til the day he dies. He showed me what love is. What love looks like, how love acts. He showed me that he really does care, and that there are people out there who do care. I will never forget what he showed me and taught me. never. I just wish i didn’t feel this way. I feel empty inside. 100% empty

July 3 2011

I feel sick, I miss camp and my fam(ily) from camp. I miss the feeling of being loved and cared for. I really don’t have that here. I never wanted it to end, then sure enough it’s ending….and this sucks, BIG time. I just wish someone understood me…just once

june 30 2011

I don’t want to ever forget this.

I sat down out side on the upper porch right after walking thru the yogurt bar, but got nothing. Jordan Barcaly acme out and sat beside me. He asked me how I was. I told him I wasn’t gonna lie so I didn’t want to say anything at all. He was like No, what’s wrong? I told him it didn’t matter. He said it mattered to him. He was like i mean it’s not like yur thinking about killing yurself are yew? I just looked at him. he was like Gabi! Why? Then we talked a little bit and he said that I should talk to a state officer about it, he said they are just like you and me. I told him they weren’t because they had a job to do. If i told them they would have to tell someone higher up then they would have to tell someone and so on. I made him Pinkie promise not to tell anyone and he promised. and I was like i just feel like everyone at camp here is fake and no one honestly cares about me. I just want to go home. He was like do you want to bet on that? i was like yeah, i do. but then he said well i will go get someone from our chapter and you will find out. i was like no Jordan, he was like i will be right back. So he left and was walking up the stairs with Sarah.so i got up and started to walk away. Jordan came running after me, he told me to stop, i tried to push him out of the way. I didn’t want to listen to what they had to say. I was embarrassed.i was like no Jordan just move, i started crying. i kept trying to push him. he hugged me tightly and Lauren came up with sarah, sarah said Gabi just listen to what we have to say. i looked at Jordan and said you pinkie promised you wouldn’t tell anyone. he looked at me and said i didn’t sarah said he hadn’t said a word about what i told Jordan. she said that She really did care about me. i looked at Jordan and i shoved him out of the way. i was bawling my eyes out. he came over by the flag pole, only a few steps from where we were,and hugged me tight. then he looked at me, he told me that he had tried to commit suicude. he put a bag over his head and taped it there. he struggled after a while and just barley made it thru. he said if he hadn’t had that strength he wouldn’t be here. he looked at me and told me he loved me, i argued with him, i told him we had jsut met and there was no way he could love me or care about me. I told him love isn’t real. I told him it doesn’t exist. He told me it really did, and that he truly loved and cared about me. I told him about my mom, and what was going on there.he looked at me he stared crying and i hugged him tightly. he said that he did love me and he did care and he always would. we were a family. He hugged me and said I love you, and after all this you can’t say you don’t love me, I paused a moment and still hugging me i said i don’t know how to. he hugged me even tighter which made me cry more. then he looked at me and wiped my tears. he started singing I swear by All 4 One, which was playing in the background he pointed to me and said this is you and me. Then I looked at him and said I will talk to a state officer if you go with me. he said okay, but fist he had to do the line dance that was playing. He came back up to meet me sarah and lauren where we were, I asked him if he remembered what i said he was like no, sorry, i was thinking about the line dance, i told him nevermind, he looked at lauren and asked her what i said she said she didn’t know so i repeated that i would talk to a state officer if he was with me, he smiled and said okay, i said but only if it’s Brent. so he went down to get brent, they came up by the canteen where we were,i was like idk how to say this, Brent was like well you know if its about abuse i have to report it, i looked at Jordan and looked at Brent and started to cry, i said what if it were me abuseing myself. He looked at me, and said i still have to report it. I looked at Jordan and started bawling,he hugged me tight and i said i told you Jordan I told you. he said I know you did, he looked at Brent and asked if it were possible to keep it completely confidential, Brent struggled and thought, he said he jsut didn’t want one of the staff to walk in and hear it and he didin’t want to get in trouble. I told him I understood. we talked for a minute more then we walked out and Jordan was like come on lets go have fun. so Jordan practically dragged me doewn the stairs and him and i slow danced and he was singing the song to me that they were playing. i felt better and Jordan and i hugged then me and lauren and sarah started to dance, then next slow song came on and Brent same over and slow danced with me, he asked me if i really understood why he couldnt talk to me,he said he really wanted to know what it was, but couldnt risk getting in trouble. I told him i understood and that it was okay. so after that my night got tons better know ing that there are people out in the world who honestly do care and love me. That night i learned that love is real. and I only know one person in the whole wide world who i believe when they say they love me and that s Jordan. I learned that Family sticks together no matter what and what it’s like to have real friends. That night before Jordan went to line dancing Lauren told me that she was so proud of me for stepping up and being a leader because thats something she couldn’t have done. she was glad i stepped up to be the “deputy” or what ever it was, the main leader of our group she said i changed her life, for the better, becasue she thought her life was great. but now she feels bad because she takes advantage of it.. I’m just glad i have a real family now. one who cares for me and loves me.

june 23 2011

I don’t want to forgive my mom because I don’t want her to think I accept her or what she does or who she has become. Or maybe am I really as bad as she says I am. Am I really a bad kid. Do i really do the things she says I do to her? I just don’t understand how one person could come up with all this unless I really do, do all those things, and i really am a horrible kid. Am I really just fuckin messed up? I don’t understand any of this. She gets high off of her prescription drugs and Tylenol and benadryll. and then expects everyone to be okay with it. to her shes not the one with the problem, everyone else has the problem. everyone else is a fault. to her none of this is her fault its all ours, we drove her to it. And maybe we did, maybe we are just aweful to her and don’t/never did, treat her well. maybe she just wasnt meant to be a mother. she can’t even make decissions of her own. i just feel like dieing and/or ODing  so that maybe, just maybe my parents will start to give a crap about me. maybe they will realize they had a daughter who was trying her best to get herself through this mess and they missed out. Maybe they will realize where they went wrong. Maybe they will regret everything that was demeaning or rude that they said to me they shouldnt have. Maybe just maybe, they will realize I was struggleing too and it wasnt easy, and that them acting this way towards me was not right and it made thigs a million times worse for me. Maybe the times my dad hit me he will realize he should have spent that time bonding with me, every time my mom pulled my hair and screamed at me that she should have been trying to get to know the person I was becoming. maybe they would realize that I put up a good fight till it all got so hard i couldnt fight anymore.  but then maybe everything they did and said was my fault, maybe the reason they hit me was becasue I was purely and awful kid. i always hoped I would never turn out like my brother, but maybe i turned out to be just like him. its what my dad always says, “you are just like your brother it’s not funny” i just want all this shit to be over. I want to die and leave them feeling awful, maybe then they will realize that I was only trying my best and that I wasnt really bad. or if i was bad how they could have helped me not downgraded me.

june 22 2011

Today should be interesting.  I go for my surgery consultation on my mouth today. I’m not the least bit excited. I just don’t want anyone to fight today. Tomorrow I’m contemplating whether or not to go to youth group. I don’t know if I’m really ready for it. To be around all those people. I mean there are a few people I want to see, but also I just don’t know if I am ready to be around a huge group of people

Beautiful you!

God made everyone in his image, therefore if we call ourselves ugly, we are calling God ugly. If we say we are crap, well, God doesn’t make ‘crap’. A very special friend once told me that. He also gave me a bible verse to always remember
Psalm 139:14
“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made, your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”
Listening to the song “Beautiful You” by Jonny Diaz helped me remember and also realize that God made me, God loves me, and only God’s opinion about you matters, there fore dress modestly, always be kind and show the love of God to others, and never, ever forget, you are beautiful!

june 21. 2011

I don’t understand why privacy is like an unspoken thing in this house! All I ask is that I can be in my room…writting this blog, making art, just being by myself. Is that too hard to ask? Or just the fact of..Hey, someone’s in the bathroom so don’t go in. or even Hey, you’re using the bathroom…CLOSE THE DOOR! Honestly! I don’t think it’s such a hard thing to ask for a little bit of privacy! My mom comes yelling up the stairs, knocking on the door… but then doesn’t come in, doesn’t say a word to me….Really…then was all that even necessary? I think not! So I have been cleaning my room and moving a few things around. I just wish my parents would understand that clothing is a way to express myself as is my room. How I decorate, at all things like that… See I no longer want this red bunk bed that was my brothers, So today it’s getting taken down and I am keeping the twin mattress so I have something to sleep on. Although I would LOVE to have a new bed and frame and everything. Financially that’s not possible. I understand that. Also it’s not like I have to be treated like a kid for everything. It’s ridiculous. Like today.. I understand if you’re just trying to be safe, but I’m 15 years of age, I know I need to buckle up when I’m in a car. Well, my mother thinks she needs to ask if I am buckled up.  I just feel I shouldn’t be treated the way I am when I am more mature than him and deserve more responsibility and respect. I have had to grow up a lot. No one will ever understand how I feel and what things I have had to go through. NO ONE! All I know is God had to send his son to die for all our sins. That in my book is the worst thing ever. So yes I know God knows my pain, but I don’t always think about it. I just don’t understand why all of this isn’t getting any better…

june, 15,2011

I like being alone, on my own, able to do what I want with my day.  I wish that I could drive so i could do something. Oh well, maybe I can do something productive here. My mom is being strangely nice to me. I hope it last’s. This was short. and I haven’t wrote for two days. i have a head ache and I feel sick so I will take a nap

From my little box,
<3 Gabrielle

June 13,2011

So I woke up today at 11, went down stairs got some lunch. Makie called me crying. Then my mom and I got in an argument because I’m tired of her looking at me like I’m an idiot after everything I say. It gets old, FAST!  Then She had the nerve to ask me why I hate her so much. I told her, by her asking that question she clearly only hated her self, I told her that I hate no one. Hate is a strong word and therefore I hate no one. There are people I very much dislike. Honestly I think her saying that is a cry for attention, though she gets everyones attention when she walks in a room because she is bound to complian about something or try to start an argument. Also she asked if I was even going to talk to Mrs. Shelly tomorrow at our appointment. Seriously! Why would I have my parents pay good money for good ‘help’ just to blow it off? Is she dumb?!?:!?! does she thing I’m dumb? obviously! She sure does know how to piss a person off! I’m just glad I don’t have to be around her for a while. I get to stay at my Grandpa’s by myself for a few weeks then off to camp for a week. A few days later I go on my mission trip. But then I’m home the rest of the summer. When school starts I will be home a lot, but I also have the option to go to the depot and do work, or outside. I guess I have that option now bbut nothing to do while I’m at the depot or outside. I guess this is why I get so frustrated. I don’t know how to put all of my thoughts and feelings onto paper or in words. Some would say I did it perfectly but there is so much more than just this.

From my little box,
<3 Gabrielle.