june 23 2011

I don’t want to forgive my mom because I don’t want her to think I accept her or what she does or who she has become. Or maybe am I really as bad as she says I am. Am I really a bad kid. Do i really do the things she says I do to her? I just don’t understand how one person could come up with all this unless I really do, do all those things, and i really am a horrible kid. Am I really just fuckin messed up? I don’t understand any of this. She gets high off of her prescription drugs and Tylenol and benadryll. and then expects everyone to be okay with it. to her shes not the one with the problem, everyone else has the problem. everyone else is a fault. to her none of this is her fault its all ours, we drove her to it. And maybe we did, maybe we are just aweful to her and don’t/never did, treat her well. maybe she just wasnt meant to be a mother. she can’t even make decissions of her own. i just feel like dieing and/or ODing  so that maybe, just maybe my parents will start to give a crap about me. maybe they will realize they had a daughter who was trying her best to get herself through this mess and they missed out. Maybe they will realize where they went wrong. Maybe they will regret everything that was demeaning or rude that they said to me they shouldnt have. Maybe just maybe, they will realize I was struggleing too and it wasnt easy, and that them acting this way towards me was not right and it made thigs a million times worse for me. Maybe the times my dad hit me he will realize he should have spent that time bonding with me, every time my mom pulled my hair and screamed at me that she should have been trying to get to know the person I was becoming. maybe they would realize that I put up a good fight till it all got so hard i couldnt fight anymore.  but then maybe everything they did and said was my fault, maybe the reason they hit me was becasue I was purely and awful kid. i always hoped I would never turn out like my brother, but maybe i turned out to be just like him. its what my dad always says, “you are just like your brother it’s not funny” i just want all this shit to be over. I want to die and leave them feeling awful, maybe then they will realize that I was only trying my best and that I wasnt really bad. or if i was bad how they could have helped me not downgraded me.