grey, gray, gross.

I'm done.  I don't care anymore about working things out with my parents. I'm done trying to change for them. Yes I will change for me. But i could care less what they want and how they feel about me. I'm just done. I can't feel anything. I have no emotion. I can't cry, be happy, I'm just there. I wish I had real friends that I could go hang out with, and talk to. But the sad thing is, If I had to pick one of my 'friends' to lean on and to ask for help from..it would be Jeremy, thats so sad. I want a friend, not a youth pastor. I mean yeah, I want a youth pastor also but I want a friend. One I can just go hang out with and not really have a plan. I......I guess I don't know really. I want my own island. One where I'm all by myself and don't have anyone. kinda like right now...

it's true, car accidents make people crazy.

So yesterday, I had to resort to one of my coping skills. I wasn't to happy about that. I wrote with sharpie on my arm instead of cutting. Which when I told Nate, he giggled and said "Sharp-ie, Get it 'sharp' ie" which was ironically funny!  But on Monday on our way to youth group from Chipotle, we got in a car accident and we were a half hour late for setup and sound and practice. So Sarah was freaked out and was not prepared for it at all, I had to type slides. Jeremy had 45 verses, needless to say it took me forever to type them, and I was freaking out and my anxiety was going nuts because I wasn't going to get them done in time for the sermon. So I had to type them as Jeremy was talking. Which made everything worse because I had to flip flop from one slide to show it on the screen to the one I was typing. I made a lot of spelling mistakes and was just stressed about the whole situation and after Jeremy finished his sermon, I just cried. I had a mini melt down. I hate anxiety.

long lost....and still lost.

"I'm not exactly sure what my current feelings are called right now."
            This is so true right now, I'm not sure what to make of anything, some days are clear days and everything makes sense, then there are days like to day, where I don't know why things happened, or they are just confusing or had no meaning to them. I right now, just want to go to the bathroom and cut, or burn, I wont...but I strongly feel the urge to. I guess I can just use sharpie. Maybe that's what I'll do. When Sarah said she felt so alone a few moments ago, It triggered memories in my brain, that caused me to think things. I do feel hopelessly alone. My parents have left me, not making any real kind of contact, my mom wont change and she hasn't seen me for a month, A MONTH! and the first time I see her she yells at me and blames me for everything. She said that me moving in with Stephanie hurt the whole family and that "Maybe Stephanie will keep you forever..."  I just don't like the feeling of being unwanted..and although I know this family wouldn't have done all they did if they didn't want me, I just feel like since i have done what I did, and what I'm always told by my parents that I'm not accepted or wanted, I don't feel that way all the time, just when I have time to think, and are thinking negatively.Sometimes I just wish I could appear offline in real life. I just want to go away, far, far away, where i know no one and no one know me, and I can have no memory of my other life and life a fresh new one with all new people, yeah sure I would miss a few people, but I couldn't have the constant shame and guilt and every other wrong feeling I have. I want some real friends! ones I know I can count on, ones I know wont judge me, and when I make a mistake, forgive me....I guess, I don't know, I'm just long, lost.....and still lost.

Control of me.

Some people are allergic to poison ivy. If they go around it, they will get it really bad. Well if they haven't been around poison ivy in a long time, they may think they aren't going to get it anymore because they haven't been exposed. Well they are wrong, they get it just as bad if not worse. That person thought that the poison had changed but it just stayed the same. Well my mom is like the poison ivy in my life. I haven't been around her for  awhile so i think that if i go around her things will be swell. Well I was wrong. I got poison ivy twice as bad as ever before. I learned one valuable lesson out of Monday night....Don't go into things thinking they will be a certain way....you will come out disappointed if your standards aren't met. I know mine weren't but at the same time, I kind of expected it from her. I know that the devil has inhabited her and she is no longer thinking for herself and what God would want for her. I just know I can't control what she wants and the way she goes about doing things, and her personality. I just know I can only control that in me. I don't have to be like her. I can be different. My moms reality doesn't have to be my destiny. Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for Gabi, Declares the Lord. Plans to prosper her and not to harm her. Plans to give Gabi a hope and a future.

Life.Drama.Dumbys.

So tonight I got a 'lovely' voice mail from Sarah Nash. She called to inform me that what I did to my brother was f'd up. and I deserve everything I got and more. How nice of her...I want to vomit. She makes no sense and is dumb! I didn't do ANYTHING to my brother, he did it to himself..I'm just fed up with people. She makes me want to cut..I wont..but I'm not saying the feeling isn't there. I just wish I could keep her out of my life for good! She causes unneeded drama for everyone! and she needs to be dealt with..but God will have his vengeance on people. I know I have God on my side and that's all i need!

TTFN

Today, I feel like someone stepped on my chest and crushed everything inside of me... Ohh, well I will try and make the best of it. Today not much is going on, I think Kalen is coming over and him and Sarah are hanging out. Then Trevor is going to Orange Grove. I still have to do school and devos today. I just pray that I get to live here. I would benefit so much from that! well, ta ta for now.

-Gabrielle <3

Crazy and what not....

I swear, Sarah and I are thee most outrageous people in thee whole wide world!
She wanted big boobs for her dress, so I gave her my bra, and she put socks in it. Then Tiff walked in and saw us doing that as I was on the phone with Dion, and we all three start cracking up, we couldn't control ourselves! Then she put a pillow in her dress for a big butt to match her boobs, also my monkey as her 'pregnant' belly! I swear we are insane! I am loving life here though, even though Sarah has her 'bad moods' PMS i still got through the day okay, and things are turning up. I love being here and living life being part of a family, laughing together, getting in trouble when you don't do what your told. I  LOVE  IT! It makes me feel loved, that someone would try and disipline me to make me better, words cannot discribe how I feel about being here! Well, that's all for now.

-Gabrielle <3

Free as that bird in a cage.

Well, things are going much better. I now know who is on my side and willing to help me and who is there for me and who loves me and wants what's best for me. And it's not the people who I thought it would be. I love living with Sarah and family. They have been the best hug God has ever given me. I am so thankful for them and Jeremy, words can't even express! I am grateful for Jeremy, the hug God gave me and the hug(s) he gives me because of God! I know where I would be without these amazing people in my life, and I don't like it one bit, well, I have my moments when i would love it, but when I realize that I have all these 'hugs' God has given me, so why waste it, even though there are hard trials I have to face, I know I go home to my hugs and I will always have them! For that I am so thankful! Stephanie, Dave, Sarah, and Jeremy. I am so thankful for all of these people, though sometimes I do feel like a burden, I am so happy to have these people helping me through my trials. They have been there through the good, the bad and the ugly. I love them with all of my heart, no one could ever replace them. They are unforgettable people. Words just can't describe how much I love these people and how much I care for them. I have also realized I can trust God, He wont hurt me and I have no real reason to believe he would ever fail me. I love what he has done for me. At the beginning of my bible above Genesis, I wrote, "Dear, Gabrielle" and every time it says 'you' I insert 'Gabi' it helps so much. I am beginning to learn there is much more to this God thing than I thought. and it's going great! I love it, and I love God, because "For God so loved Gabi He gave his only son, and for Gabi to belive in him she will have eternal life" John 3:16 "For I know the plans I have for Gabi. Declairs the Lord. Plans to prosper Gabi and not to harm Gabi. Plans to give Gabi a hope and a future" It really does help, you should try it. I am jsut greatful for everyone who has helped me get to the place I have been given. I believe God let me live from ODing because he knew I had so much more to learn and do in my life and it just wasn't my time.
From the bird cage,
-Gabrielle <3