long lost....and still lost.

"I'm not exactly sure what my current feelings are called right now."
            This is so true right now, I'm not sure what to make of anything, some days are clear days and everything makes sense, then there are days like to day, where I don't know why things happened, or they are just confusing or had no meaning to them. I right now, just want to go to the bathroom and cut, or burn, I wont...but I strongly feel the urge to. I guess I can just use sharpie. Maybe that's what I'll do. When Sarah said she felt so alone a few moments ago, It triggered memories in my brain, that caused me to think things. I do feel hopelessly alone. My parents have left me, not making any real kind of contact, my mom wont change and she hasn't seen me for a month, A MONTH! and the first time I see her she yells at me and blames me for everything. She said that me moving in with Stephanie hurt the whole family and that "Maybe Stephanie will keep you forever..."  I just don't like the feeling of being unwanted..and although I know this family wouldn't have done all they did if they didn't want me, I just feel like since i have done what I did, and what I'm always told by my parents that I'm not accepted or wanted, I don't feel that way all the time, just when I have time to think, and are thinking negatively.Sometimes I just wish I could appear offline in real life. I just want to go away, far, far away, where i know no one and no one know me, and I can have no memory of my other life and life a fresh new one with all new people, yeah sure I would miss a few people, but I couldn't have the constant shame and guilt and every other wrong feeling I have. I want some real friends! ones I know I can count on, ones I know wont judge me, and when I make a mistake, forgive me....I guess, I don't know, I'm just long, lost.....and still lost.