20 something facts.

Some things yew never knew:
I cry myself to sleep most nights
I don't believe in love
Everyone who has said they love me and shown me exact opposite and if that's what love is i ant nothing to do with it.
SI is a major issue
I hate waking up in the morning
My smiles are fake
I have no friends i can rely on
I am a failure
I'm not skinny or pretty
The one person who taught me about love ruined it again for me.
I'm not strong
I hate talking about this
People think I do it for attention
My own parents hate me.
I hold so many things inside
There are to many voices in my head
I wish this could all be over
My dad has never been a  real dad to me
My mom has been diagnosed with a mental desiese and i suffer because of it.
I want to go home...I'm homesick....
There are days that i just run out of tears so i punch things.
I'm not as strong as I thought.

Failure and what not.

As I was looking at status shuffle on facebook, I realized that so many of those things are true... Like "so much to wish for but so little shooting stars" and many others; I know I'm supposed to be doing better but i feel like all i am is a failure.... No one accepts me...NO ONE! there is at least one thing i do wrong in everyones eyes and they just.... i don't know...I'm just tired of feeling this way; I pray every day that today will be my day to go meet my Heavenly Father...but I jsut feel like my job isn't quite finished here on Earth, no matter how much I want it to be over....it's not...I want to get a tattoo that ways 8.18.11 overcome on my hand, so I will always remember that I gave my issue to God, that it's His and I no longer have to deal with it. It's a constant struggle day to day to live up (or down) to everyones standards. I feel like I need to be accepted by people but I'm not sure why, I think it's because I can't accept myself..I'm not skinny, I'm not pretty, I'm not smart enough, I'm not nice enough, I'm not a great bestfriend, I make to many mistakes, all of the above....is how i feel.

Keep your head up!

So i heard this song today....it goes like this; Ya gotta keep yur head up whoa and you can let yur hair down; something like that anyway! well it made me realize that it doesn't matter what happens in life you gotta stay possitive. I'm not in the least bit excited for tomorrow; my first and hopefully last day of public school; I absolutly hate it; but i'm going to try to stay possitive through out the day. The only class I'm excited about is Ag. That's the only class I love and actually want to attend; I wish we got this figured out before the first day of school. These peopl are dumb; but anyway....I want to start a video diary of me talking to God about...well, everything! I always listen to the CD Brent gave me when I'm down; and even when I'm happy; He's a good person and I hope he excels at life and spreads God's word through his career. He's so nice but i still don't understand why he chose me to give this CD to...and maybe I will never understand; but I thank him for it; and Jerey; for all the help and encouragment. He has done so much for me! I just love the people in my life...well the ones who love me back anyway...thats all for now
From my little box,
-Gabrielle <3-

One of these days....

I trust in Jesus! Well today was full of..nothing...I went to church; Springfield; then to the Depot with Manda.. The Depot was the only good part about today. Spent a couple hours with an amazing girl who I KNOW God has great plans for! Tomorrow I start my first day of work at Krieder. Not to thrilled; but money is money right?.... I should be sleeping right about now..but that's just not going to happen. I wish I could talk to God in the flesh right now; Thinking about starting a video diary to God; Now all I need is a video camera! I think It would be a great way for me to pray/talk/everythingelse....to God! I mean; I already talk to him; but this way..it's almost like I will be mailing him the video after every one...ya know? Well, I know. I would absolutely love it! I hope to be enrolled in Urbana Community Schools Online for this years school year; Maybe then I can get my focus on God, I think He would love that. Don't yew? Well, Yur not God and neither am I so I have no straight forward answer! I Just wish that...Hmmm no idea; I guess that I can get a video camera! Well I guess that's it for now! I think I should share this idea with Sarah and Aly; They would love it; and possibly Jeremy; but only if I ever get a chance to talk to him and not have to rush; which I blew my chance last time he actually had time and we didn't have to rush because I brought Beth to youthgroup... But maybe a chance will come soon when I can actually talk to him..?...?....Mabye.......
Ta ta for now!
From my little box,
-Gabrielle<3-

I'm going home.

So don't get me wrong; I'm over joyed that Sarah is home....but honestly she has changed; mostly for the good; but the way she talks she thinks she's better than everyone else and that she's more "country" than anyone else in her life....Then she insults something I love....FFA...not Future Fags of America....how would she feel if i downgraded something she loved? like I have a true passion for that....what if I said something like that about riding horses...she would get so defensive; but ya know it's okay if she says it; but it would be 100% wrong if I said it....That's the main thing that aggravated me..Just because for one summer she went to WOL doesn't mean she's country or know more than anyone else....I just don't like the new Sarah so much....
That's all.

From my new little box,
-Gabrielle<3-

Release;

Last night at Fellowship we had our last youth group for summer. It was to finish up the series Release. Release is about forgiving, weather it's yourself; God; or another person. Last night we had three stations; Station one you had to write on a  mirror over your face what God really thinks about you, not what you think or the lies you believe; what God thinks. Station two was you had to write on an index card that was taped to the wall what you forgive someone for then tare it off the wall and throw it on the ground and walk away, symbolizing that you tore down that wall; you are free from that; you released that from yourself and the other person. The third station was a set of paper chains; you had to break one chain and write what you were going to forgive yourself for; like an addiction, or what ever it is. The fourth and Final station was you; a video of you apologizing to God for blaming him when things go wrong because it's not his fault. During the third and fourth stations I cried; mainly during the fourth; because for anyone that is a huge step; A few others cried to. It was so touching; And right after you told God sorry; you automatically felt...well released, it sounds cliche but it's true. It was the most amazing feeling ever!! I thought I would hate that nights youthgroup and I did until the very end, when I broke down...God is a touchy subject for me; because I never let us have a true relationship. But no I'm ready to start; I need him now more than anyone has ever needed someone. I know he will always be there for me. Even if I turn my back on him; we will be waiting for me. <3

Shit happens.

So My day just couldn't get any better; First Sarah Nash tried to start drama with me and now I'm getting yelled at to go buy my mom a mt. Dew. This shit is insane. I never thought one person could do as many wrong things in a life time as I apparently do. Jesus needs to come ASAP! I can't stand these people; Sometimes I just wish....I have no idea what I wish. I just want all this to be over; I hate how I get yelled at for just about everything now that my brother actually has a job and is paying for his school! I don't even want to be here; at least in this house; don't want to face Jeremy; So I really don't want to go to youthgroup tomorrow....I....I'm done.

Lost in a world of desperation.

I feel lost; like I have no clue what I'm supposed to be doing; I feel numb to everything; feelings, thoughts, etc. I have no clue what to do. I feel like God can't forgive me and doesn't want me. I don't have anyone I can trust that I can talk to on a regular basis. And& that sucks big time! This CD Brent gave me has helped a lot! He's so generous. I just wish I had someone like him as a bestfriend. Thats all for now.