Teen mom?

I want to be a teen mom. I want to have someone who will love me unconditionally. Someone that even when I did things wrong they loved me. I want a baby so bad. I may not go out of my way to have one, but it would be wonderful to be loved unconditionally and to know I'm loved and always wanted and needed. Just a thought.... <3

I'm not perfect, but I keep trying.

Part of me wants to hate you and never see you again...part of me doesn't want to believe that you care about me because I don't want to let myself believe that and then get hurt when you leave, or just stop caring. Part of me wants to cry because I'm sorry, because you don't deserve for me to want to hate you. You haven't lied to me before, Why won't I believe you now? I can't really understand all of this. I feel bad because I don't know what to do. I want to believe you. I really do. But I don't want to open up just to get another wound when the old ones aren't even healed yet.

You. me. Them.

I wish I could say I knew what I was thinking. I wish I could say I had all my thoughts in place. I wish I could say a lot of things. I wish I could say I believe you when you speak. I know that what you say is true, but is it only true if it's your job? I don't want you to care because you have to, I don't want you to lie and say you love me because it's your job. I have about 17 different voices in my head, none of which are me. Every day is a constant struggle whether I realize it or not. I have to decide, before I even get out of bed, which voice I will be listening to. You can say you understand, but you really don't. It doesn't just affect my actions but the things I say, or the things I don't say. It's never really me speaking, it may be my thoughts but not me deciding to project them to the world. I just wish you understood things are a lot harder for me than you really think. I understand you want to help, but sometimes your methods may be a tad off. I hate that you have favorites...YOU'RE A YOUTH PASTOR!!!!!!!!!!! COME ON! You should not have favorites... you should treat people equally, not like some are less than others. That's part of the reason I don't believe what you say, because if you "loved" me and "cared" about me, you wouldn't have favorites. If you loved or cared for any of the kids in youth group, you wouldn't have favorites. but maybe I'm wrong....I REALLLY don't think I am...but maybe you just don't see it as you have favorites, maybe they are just more special, or more loved, or they don't have HUGE issues in their life that make them question everyone in it. But maybe I'm doing what I always do and over analyzing this....but....I know I'm not, but maybe I can make myself believe it....just maybe. Ya know, I make myself believe a lot of things, like happiness, and love...I'm scared of how good i've become at faking it......That's all. <3

sucks to be you right now.

I want all of it back, I don't care if it means being a human punching bag to my brother. I just don't want things to be seen as my fault. I don't care if my brother killed me. I'd just rather not go through all this. Any of this. I just wish I wasn't born. I wish my parents aborted me when they had the chance.

I want to die.

Never surrender.

Do you know what it's like when
You're scared to see yourself?
Do you know what it's like when
You wish you were someone else
Who didn't need your help to get by?
Do you know what it's like
To wanna surrender?


[Chorus:]
I don't wanna feel like this tomorrow
I don't wanna live like this today
Make me feel better
I wanna feel better
Stay with me here now
And never surrender


Do you now what it's like when
You're not who you wanna be?
Do you know what it's like to
Be your own worst enemy
Who sees the things in me I can't hide?
Do you know what it's like
to wanna surrender?


[Chorus]


Make me feel better,
You make me feel better,
You make me feel better,
Put me back together.


[Chorus]


Put me back together,
Never surrender,
Make me feel better.
You make me feel better,
Stay with me here now,
And never surrender.

Table for one?

So, there is no point in trying anymore; with anything. like school, I'm failing and behind, so i think I will just drop out at 16 and maybe get my GED when i turn 18. But I don't see myself living long enough for any of that to be useful. I don't see money useful, or material possessions. I could be homeless, and be okay with it. Because I wont be alive much longer anyway. There is no point. I mean all I want to do is help other people until I die; Which will be soon anyway. so who cares..right? who cares if I pass high school? or go to college? NO ONE! So I don't either. No one has been trying to encourage me to do well, my dad didn't go to college. and he's fine. My mom did and now she doesn't have a job.  I wont live long enough to worry about trying to provide for a family. So I don't have to worry about that. Plus I don't want a family anyway, I would ruin it, and them. Like their lives. They would never live a normal life. So Oh, well. I'm okay with it. Life is pointless, and I'm fed up. With everyone and everything. No point at all.

The Forgotten

I gave up for  a reason.
This world is not what I had expected
Now I'm gone
and not a tear was shed
not a memory remains
I laid down my pen
but no one noticed I had stopped writing
My story is over
but you,
you keep on writing your fairy tale
with it's happily ever after
while my story had a different ending.
A single gunshot to my head.