You. me. Them.

I wish I could say I knew what I was thinking. I wish I could say I had all my thoughts in place. I wish I could say a lot of things. I wish I could say I believe you when you speak. I know that what you say is true, but is it only true if it's your job? I don't want you to care because you have to, I don't want you to lie and say you love me because it's your job. I have about 17 different voices in my head, none of which are me. Every day is a constant struggle whether I realize it or not. I have to decide, before I even get out of bed, which voice I will be listening to. You can say you understand, but you really don't. It doesn't just affect my actions but the things I say, or the things I don't say. It's never really me speaking, it may be my thoughts but not me deciding to project them to the world. I just wish you understood things are a lot harder for me than you really think. I understand you want to help, but sometimes your methods may be a tad off. I hate that you have favorites...YOU'RE A YOUTH PASTOR!!!!!!!!!!! COME ON! You should not have favorites... you should treat people equally, not like some are less than others. That's part of the reason I don't believe what you say, because if you "loved" me and "cared" about me, you wouldn't have favorites. If you loved or cared for any of the kids in youth group, you wouldn't have favorites. but maybe I'm wrong....I REALLLY don't think I am...but maybe you just don't see it as you have favorites, maybe they are just more special, or more loved, or they don't have HUGE issues in their life that make them question everyone in it. But maybe I'm doing what I always do and over analyzing this....but....I know I'm not, but maybe I can make myself believe it....just maybe. Ya know, I make myself believe a lot of things, like happiness, and love...I'm scared of how good i've become at faking it......That's all. <3