june 30 2011

I don’t want to ever forget this.

I sat down out side on the upper porch right after walking thru the yogurt bar, but got nothing. Jordan Barcaly acme out and sat beside me. He asked me how I was. I told him I wasn’t gonna lie so I didn’t want to say anything at all. He was like No, what’s wrong? I told him it didn’t matter. He said it mattered to him. He was like i mean it’s not like yur thinking about killing yurself are yew? I just looked at him. he was like Gabi! Why? Then we talked a little bit and he said that I should talk to a state officer about it, he said they are just like you and me. I told him they weren’t because they had a job to do. If i told them they would have to tell someone higher up then they would have to tell someone and so on. I made him Pinkie promise not to tell anyone and he promised. and I was like i just feel like everyone at camp here is fake and no one honestly cares about me. I just want to go home. He was like do you want to bet on that? i was like yeah, i do. but then he said well i will go get someone from our chapter and you will find out. i was like no Jordan, he was like i will be right back. So he left and was walking up the stairs with Sarah.so i got up and started to walk away. Jordan came running after me, he told me to stop, i tried to push him out of the way. I didn’t want to listen to what they had to say. I was embarrassed.i was like no Jordan just move, i started crying. i kept trying to push him. he hugged me tightly and Lauren came up with sarah, sarah said Gabi just listen to what we have to say. i looked at Jordan and said you pinkie promised you wouldn’t tell anyone. he looked at me and said i didn’t sarah said he hadn’t said a word about what i told Jordan. she said that She really did care about me. i looked at Jordan and i shoved him out of the way. i was bawling my eyes out. he came over by the flag pole, only a few steps from where we were,and hugged me tight. then he looked at me, he told me that he had tried to commit suicude. he put a bag over his head and taped it there. he struggled after a while and just barley made it thru. he said if he hadn’t had that strength he wouldn’t be here. he looked at me and told me he loved me, i argued with him, i told him we had jsut met and there was no way he could love me or care about me. I told him love isn’t real. I told him it doesn’t exist. He told me it really did, and that he truly loved and cared about me. I told him about my mom, and what was going on there.he looked at me he stared crying and i hugged him tightly. he said that he did love me and he did care and he always would. we were a family. He hugged me and said I love you, and after all this you can’t say you don’t love me, I paused a moment and still hugging me i said i don’t know how to. he hugged me even tighter which made me cry more. then he looked at me and wiped my tears. he started singing I swear by All 4 One, which was playing in the background he pointed to me and said this is you and me. Then I looked at him and said I will talk to a state officer if you go with me. he said okay, but fist he had to do the line dance that was playing. He came back up to meet me sarah and lauren where we were, I asked him if he remembered what i said he was like no, sorry, i was thinking about the line dance, i told him nevermind, he looked at lauren and asked her what i said she said she didn’t know so i repeated that i would talk to a state officer if he was with me, he smiled and said okay, i said but only if it’s Brent. so he went down to get brent, they came up by the canteen where we were,i was like idk how to say this, Brent was like well you know if its about abuse i have to report it, i looked at Jordan and looked at Brent and started to cry, i said what if it were me abuseing myself. He looked at me, and said i still have to report it. I looked at Jordan and started bawling,he hugged me tight and i said i told you Jordan I told you. he said I know you did, he looked at Brent and asked if it were possible to keep it completely confidential, Brent struggled and thought, he said he jsut didn’t want one of the staff to walk in and hear it and he didin’t want to get in trouble. I told him I understood. we talked for a minute more then we walked out and Jordan was like come on lets go have fun. so Jordan practically dragged me doewn the stairs and him and i slow danced and he was singing the song to me that they were playing. i felt better and Jordan and i hugged then me and lauren and sarah started to dance, then next slow song came on and Brent same over and slow danced with me, he asked me if i really understood why he couldnt talk to me,he said he really wanted to know what it was, but couldnt risk getting in trouble. I told him i understood and that it was okay. so after that my night got tons better know ing that there are people out in the world who honestly do care and love me. That night i learned that love is real. and I only know one person in the whole wide world who i believe when they say they love me and that s Jordan. I learned that Family sticks together no matter what and what it’s like to have real friends. That night before Jordan went to line dancing Lauren told me that she was so proud of me for stepping up and being a leader because thats something she couldn’t have done. she was glad i stepped up to be the “deputy” or what ever it was, the main leader of our group she said i changed her life, for the better, becasue she thought her life was great. but now she feels bad because she takes advantage of it.. I’m just glad i have a real family now. one who cares for me and loves me.