Fresh Start

I got a fresh start to a new beginning. Living with Stephanie and the whole gang has made me a happier person. I love being here and spending quality time with the family. I don't have anything like this at my parents house. The only thing I would change if I could would be to have maybe my own bed, and I thing Sarah would like to have hers back.. haha, and to go to Emanuel, But, i don't think the second part will ever happen! but that's alright, Until I get a job and pay for it on my own, I'm gonna have to do homeschooling.

New life..

Yeah, So I spent last week in a hospital, a mental hospital, I have Cyclothymia. I OD'd and tried to kill myself... I realized in that short time who my real friends are and who really cares about me, Jeremy, Stephanie and Sarah came to the hospital at 12:00am just to make sure I was okay. Sarah is the one who took me to the hospital, IT was eventful! but they left at 1am and then at 2am I got transfered to Dayton Childrens, at 6pm the next day I got admited to detmer, the mental hospital, and there I stayed for a week. Now I am staying with Sarah, Stephanie, Dave, Kaitlyn, and Trevor. Life is so confusing and i kinda wish i hadn't survived, because I'm tired of people talking about it! and tired of people asking where I was. Maybe good will come out of this! I have no idea. Maybe God will use me in a positive way and soon! <3
Thats all!

Is this what I ask for?

I don't think I deserve any of this. Being punched, kicked, spit on, everything he did to me, I don't think i deserved it. But maybe I did. I don't know. Maybe I did something horrible that caused me to deserve this. Maybe I just made it all up. Maybe I...... maybe I dreamed it. I don't know what it was, but it happened. I am living in fear of him. He's 20 years old and I am scared to death of him. I want nothing to do with him. I don't want to converse with him. I just wish none of this happened. My parents blame me for him hitting me, but maybe it was my fault. I just feel awful about this because I don't know what to do. I'm lost. I'm scared. and I'm alone. HELP.

It's all coming back!

I can feel it all.
All the emotions i felt before. All the pain. sorrow. All the thoughts, they are coming back to me. The depression is slowly taking control over my body. I thought this piece in my life was over. I guess I was wrong. i cannot believe that this is happening again. God got me through this the "first time" Well, maybe this was never really ever maybe this is not a "second" but maybe it's a continuance of the first. Maybe I never really got over this, Maybe I just played myself. I tricked my mind into thinking one thing so I could please the other people around me. Every little thing around me aggravates me! My father, came into my room and moved a ton of my things, and did not have the courtesy to put my things back! He kicks my belongings. Feels the need to tell me every single time HE THINKS I'm wrong and never tells me anything when I am right. My mother does the same thing.  So does Chip. I wish I could get emancipated. I would be out of this house and living with Melanie. It doesn't sound like the ideal situation for a 15 year old; but at this stage in my life, I am beyond mature enough to move out and live my life. I'm sick of it all. I hate being treated like a child. I know that my legal age in 15; but that is no excuse for my mental age. I am being held inside the body of a 15 year old and it doesn't help anything. When ever I speak up all anyone can hear is the 15 year old being "snotty" but if it were to come form someone older they wouldn't take it that way. Why does age have to matter so much, sometimes it is a maturity level. But other times it's just a way for things to be counted as legal or illegal. I'm so sick and tired of this. Verbal and emotional abuse. I don't care if it's "normal" to have in a home. To have this much is so overwhelming! I simply just can't take it anymore. This is really making me physically sick. Why do I feel these urges to cause SI and many other things. Life should be about one thing, and I can't do that one thing until I have overcome these obstacles. I thought there would just be little hills after this, but NOOOO, Just lots and lots of giant mountains to overcome. I thought that the last release would help so much, and it did, for a while. Until I slipped. I just wish I had money to go to Mrs. Shelly, and to take piano lessons. Those two things are something I am going to strive for. That's how I will spend my money. If i die of hunger, oh well, I need that money to keep my sanity. I'm glad I have great friends, but sometimes I just wish that didn't hold me back from doing what I have wanted to do over these past few years..........

20 something facts.

Some things yew never knew:
I cry myself to sleep most nights
I don't believe in love
Everyone who has said they love me and shown me exact opposite and if that's what love is i ant nothing to do with it.
SI is a major issue
I hate waking up in the morning
My smiles are fake
I have no friends i can rely on
I am a failure
I'm not skinny or pretty
The one person who taught me about love ruined it again for me.
I'm not strong
I hate talking about this
People think I do it for attention
My own parents hate me.
I hold so many things inside
There are to many voices in my head
I wish this could all be over
My dad has never been a  real dad to me
My mom has been diagnosed with a mental desiese and i suffer because of it.
I want to go home...I'm homesick....
There are days that i just run out of tears so i punch things.
I'm not as strong as I thought.

Failure and what not.

As I was looking at status shuffle on facebook, I realized that so many of those things are true... Like "so much to wish for but so little shooting stars" and many others; I know I'm supposed to be doing better but i feel like all i am is a failure.... No one accepts me...NO ONE! there is at least one thing i do wrong in everyones eyes and they just.... i don't know...I'm just tired of feeling this way; I pray every day that today will be my day to go meet my Heavenly Father...but I jsut feel like my job isn't quite finished here on Earth, no matter how much I want it to be over....it's not...I want to get a tattoo that ways 8.18.11 overcome on my hand, so I will always remember that I gave my issue to God, that it's His and I no longer have to deal with it. It's a constant struggle day to day to live up (or down) to everyones standards. I feel like I need to be accepted by people but I'm not sure why, I think it's because I can't accept myself..I'm not skinny, I'm not pretty, I'm not smart enough, I'm not nice enough, I'm not a great bestfriend, I make to many mistakes, all of the above....is how i feel.

Keep your head up!

So i heard this song today....it goes like this; Ya gotta keep yur head up whoa and you can let yur hair down; something like that anyway! well it made me realize that it doesn't matter what happens in life you gotta stay possitive. I'm not in the least bit excited for tomorrow; my first and hopefully last day of public school; I absolutly hate it; but i'm going to try to stay possitive through out the day. The only class I'm excited about is Ag. That's the only class I love and actually want to attend; I wish we got this figured out before the first day of school. These peopl are dumb; but anyway....I want to start a video diary of me talking to God about...well, everything! I always listen to the CD Brent gave me when I'm down; and even when I'm happy; He's a good person and I hope he excels at life and spreads God's word through his career. He's so nice but i still don't understand why he chose me to give this CD to...and maybe I will never understand; but I thank him for it; and Jerey; for all the help and encouragment. He has done so much for me! I just love the people in my life...well the ones who love me back anyway...thats all for now
From my little box,
-Gabrielle <3-