This week!

Well my mom has been interesting! she called me and asked me where my husband was, i replied what are yew talking about? she was like well he's supposed to be yur dad.  then she told me i was lying when she asked if my dad was at grannys with me. and he wasnt. but what ever! she needs to get a life and quit ruining mine!

July 19.2011

Today I went to lunch with Tessa, then got yelled at on my way to Sarah's bible study. Thats always a great feeling, NOT! well bible study was great! I'm making a "give it to God" box! which I am super excited about! and gonna start back up my devo's. I just wish this feeling stayed with me. I'm tired of keeping my mouth shut all the time for fear of getting yelled at. I would like to be able to talk without getting yelled at. Sunday night I stooped to a low, not my lowest tho. Did things i know i shouldn't have ): but ohh well, its the past for a reason..right? As long as people can forgive me....right? i don't know?!?!.....

Meet Gabby

I get told "I hate you. Shut the F*ck up, Why are you still here? no one wants you. Just leave." "Your worthless, your only a burden to those you love Also I have been blamed for my mother being the way she is, Bipolar and has a seizure disorder." And the worst part is, it comes from the people who are supposed to love me Thats right, family. I have lied to those who i promised I would never do it again, Because I did, last night. I'm sorry. I even promised myself. I get made fun of. I get laughed at because im not skinny. Because I'm not pretty. Because I'm not perfect. I do this and i hurt because it's pain I can control. It's something to take the edge off of real life. like getting high for druggies.

July 17 2011

Today at church we did our mission reports and then we went to Grandpas to give him and Grandma communion. We also ate lunch at Bob Evans. Today I thought about what I want to be when I "grow up". I want to double major in Agriculture and Youth Ministry. I want to be a State FFA Officer also. It's hard shoes to fill but I want to be a leader for people. I also would be like a motivational speaker. I think it would be wonderful to be able to help people. I'm, not to sure if I would succeed at any of this but I could try. As long as I'm doing what I love and helping other people and glorifying God in the process I don't mind.

July 4 2011

I’m not to sure what I’m feeling at this moment. I’m scared, not sure of what, mad, not sure why, and sad, because the one person who taught me most is an hour and 45 min. away. I miss you Jordan Barclay. I miss Sarah from camp too. Jordan made a HUGE impact on my life. I hope his promise stays kept, that we are family and he will never leave me til the day he dies. He showed me what love is. What love looks like, how love acts. He showed me that he really does care, and that there are people out there who do care. I will never forget what he showed me and taught me. never. I just wish i didn’t feel this way. I feel empty inside. 100% empty

July 3 2011

I feel sick, I miss camp and my fam(ily) from camp. I miss the feeling of being loved and cared for. I really don’t have that here. I never wanted it to end, then sure enough it’s ending….and this sucks, BIG time. I just wish someone understood me…just once

june 30 2011

I don’t want to ever forget this.

I sat down out side on the upper porch right after walking thru the yogurt bar, but got nothing. Jordan Barcaly acme out and sat beside me. He asked me how I was. I told him I wasn’t gonna lie so I didn’t want to say anything at all. He was like No, what’s wrong? I told him it didn’t matter. He said it mattered to him. He was like i mean it’s not like yur thinking about killing yurself are yew? I just looked at him. he was like Gabi! Why? Then we talked a little bit and he said that I should talk to a state officer about it, he said they are just like you and me. I told him they weren’t because they had a job to do. If i told them they would have to tell someone higher up then they would have to tell someone and so on. I made him Pinkie promise not to tell anyone and he promised. and I was like i just feel like everyone at camp here is fake and no one honestly cares about me. I just want to go home. He was like do you want to bet on that? i was like yeah, i do. but then he said well i will go get someone from our chapter and you will find out. i was like no Jordan, he was like i will be right back. So he left and was walking up the stairs with Sarah.so i got up and started to walk away. Jordan came running after me, he told me to stop, i tried to push him out of the way. I didn’t want to listen to what they had to say. I was embarrassed.i was like no Jordan just move, i started crying. i kept trying to push him. he hugged me tightly and Lauren came up with sarah, sarah said Gabi just listen to what we have to say. i looked at Jordan and said you pinkie promised you wouldn’t tell anyone. he looked at me and said i didn’t sarah said he hadn’t said a word about what i told Jordan. she said that She really did care about me. i looked at Jordan and i shoved him out of the way. i was bawling my eyes out. he came over by the flag pole, only a few steps from where we were,and hugged me tight. then he looked at me, he told me that he had tried to commit suicude. he put a bag over his head and taped it there. he struggled after a while and just barley made it thru. he said if he hadn’t had that strength he wouldn’t be here. he looked at me and told me he loved me, i argued with him, i told him we had jsut met and there was no way he could love me or care about me. I told him love isn’t real. I told him it doesn’t exist. He told me it really did, and that he truly loved and cared about me. I told him about my mom, and what was going on there.he looked at me he stared crying and i hugged him tightly. he said that he did love me and he did care and he always would. we were a family. He hugged me and said I love you, and after all this you can’t say you don’t love me, I paused a moment and still hugging me i said i don’t know how to. he hugged me even tighter which made me cry more. then he looked at me and wiped my tears. he started singing I swear by All 4 One, which was playing in the background he pointed to me and said this is you and me. Then I looked at him and said I will talk to a state officer if you go with me. he said okay, but fist he had to do the line dance that was playing. He came back up to meet me sarah and lauren where we were, I asked him if he remembered what i said he was like no, sorry, i was thinking about the line dance, i told him nevermind, he looked at lauren and asked her what i said she said she didn’t know so i repeated that i would talk to a state officer if he was with me, he smiled and said okay, i said but only if it’s Brent. so he went down to get brent, they came up by the canteen where we were,i was like idk how to say this, Brent was like well you know if its about abuse i have to report it, i looked at Jordan and looked at Brent and started to cry, i said what if it were me abuseing myself. He looked at me, and said i still have to report it. I looked at Jordan and started bawling,he hugged me tight and i said i told you Jordan I told you. he said I know you did, he looked at Brent and asked if it were possible to keep it completely confidential, Brent struggled and thought, he said he jsut didn’t want one of the staff to walk in and hear it and he didin’t want to get in trouble. I told him I understood. we talked for a minute more then we walked out and Jordan was like come on lets go have fun. so Jordan practically dragged me doewn the stairs and him and i slow danced and he was singing the song to me that they were playing. i felt better and Jordan and i hugged then me and lauren and sarah started to dance, then next slow song came on and Brent same over and slow danced with me, he asked me if i really understood why he couldnt talk to me,he said he really wanted to know what it was, but couldnt risk getting in trouble. I told him i understood and that it was okay. so after that my night got tons better know ing that there are people out in the world who honestly do care and love me. That night i learned that love is real. and I only know one person in the whole wide world who i believe when they say they love me and that s Jordan. I learned that Family sticks together no matter what and what it’s like to have real friends. That night before Jordan went to line dancing Lauren told me that she was so proud of me for stepping up and being a leader because thats something she couldn’t have done. she was glad i stepped up to be the “deputy” or what ever it was, the main leader of our group she said i changed her life, for the better, becasue she thought her life was great. but now she feels bad because she takes advantage of it.. I’m just glad i have a real family now. one who cares for me and loves me.

june 23 2011

I don’t want to forgive my mom because I don’t want her to think I accept her or what she does or who she has become. Or maybe am I really as bad as she says I am. Am I really a bad kid. Do i really do the things she says I do to her? I just don’t understand how one person could come up with all this unless I really do, do all those things, and i really am a horrible kid. Am I really just fuckin messed up? I don’t understand any of this. She gets high off of her prescription drugs and Tylenol and benadryll. and then expects everyone to be okay with it. to her shes not the one with the problem, everyone else has the problem. everyone else is a fault. to her none of this is her fault its all ours, we drove her to it. And maybe we did, maybe we are just aweful to her and don’t/never did, treat her well. maybe she just wasnt meant to be a mother. she can’t even make decissions of her own. i just feel like dieing and/or ODing  so that maybe, just maybe my parents will start to give a crap about me. maybe they will realize they had a daughter who was trying her best to get herself through this mess and they missed out. Maybe they will realize where they went wrong. Maybe they will regret everything that was demeaning or rude that they said to me they shouldnt have. Maybe just maybe, they will realize I was struggleing too and it wasnt easy, and that them acting this way towards me was not right and it made thigs a million times worse for me. Maybe the times my dad hit me he will realize he should have spent that time bonding with me, every time my mom pulled my hair and screamed at me that she should have been trying to get to know the person I was becoming. maybe they would realize that I put up a good fight till it all got so hard i couldnt fight anymore.  but then maybe everything they did and said was my fault, maybe the reason they hit me was becasue I was purely and awful kid. i always hoped I would never turn out like my brother, but maybe i turned out to be just like him. its what my dad always says, “you are just like your brother it’s not funny” i just want all this shit to be over. I want to die and leave them feeling awful, maybe then they will realize that I was only trying my best and that I wasnt really bad. or if i was bad how they could have helped me not downgraded me.

june 22 2011

Today should be interesting.  I go for my surgery consultation on my mouth today. I’m not the least bit excited. I just don’t want anyone to fight today. Tomorrow I’m contemplating whether or not to go to youth group. I don’t know if I’m really ready for it. To be around all those people. I mean there are a few people I want to see, but also I just don’t know if I am ready to be around a huge group of people

Beautiful you!

God made everyone in his image, therefore if we call ourselves ugly, we are calling God ugly. If we say we are crap, well, God doesn’t make ‘crap’. A very special friend once told me that. He also gave me a bible verse to always remember
Psalm 139:14
“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made, your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”
Listening to the song “Beautiful You” by Jonny Diaz helped me remember and also realize that God made me, God loves me, and only God’s opinion about you matters, there fore dress modestly, always be kind and show the love of God to others, and never, ever forget, you are beautiful!

june 21. 2011

I don’t understand why privacy is like an unspoken thing in this house! All I ask is that I can be in my room…writting this blog, making art, just being by myself. Is that too hard to ask? Or just the fact of..Hey, someone’s in the bathroom so don’t go in. or even Hey, you’re using the bathroom…CLOSE THE DOOR! Honestly! I don’t think it’s such a hard thing to ask for a little bit of privacy! My mom comes yelling up the stairs, knocking on the door… but then doesn’t come in, doesn’t say a word to me….Really…then was all that even necessary? I think not! So I have been cleaning my room and moving a few things around. I just wish my parents would understand that clothing is a way to express myself as is my room. How I decorate, at all things like that… See I no longer want this red bunk bed that was my brothers, So today it’s getting taken down and I am keeping the twin mattress so I have something to sleep on. Although I would LOVE to have a new bed and frame and everything. Financially that’s not possible. I understand that. Also it’s not like I have to be treated like a kid for everything. It’s ridiculous. Like today.. I understand if you’re just trying to be safe, but I’m 15 years of age, I know I need to buckle up when I’m in a car. Well, my mother thinks she needs to ask if I am buckled up.  I just feel I shouldn’t be treated the way I am when I am more mature than him and deserve more responsibility and respect. I have had to grow up a lot. No one will ever understand how I feel and what things I have had to go through. NO ONE! All I know is God had to send his son to die for all our sins. That in my book is the worst thing ever. So yes I know God knows my pain, but I don’t always think about it. I just don’t understand why all of this isn’t getting any better…

june, 15,2011

I like being alone, on my own, able to do what I want with my day.  I wish that I could drive so i could do something. Oh well, maybe I can do something productive here. My mom is being strangely nice to me. I hope it last’s. This was short. and I haven’t wrote for two days. i have a head ache and I feel sick so I will take a nap

From my little box,
<3 Gabrielle

June 13,2011

So I woke up today at 11, went down stairs got some lunch. Makie called me crying. Then my mom and I got in an argument because I’m tired of her looking at me like I’m an idiot after everything I say. It gets old, FAST!  Then She had the nerve to ask me why I hate her so much. I told her, by her asking that question she clearly only hated her self, I told her that I hate no one. Hate is a strong word and therefore I hate no one. There are people I very much dislike. Honestly I think her saying that is a cry for attention, though she gets everyones attention when she walks in a room because she is bound to complian about something or try to start an argument. Also she asked if I was even going to talk to Mrs. Shelly tomorrow at our appointment. Seriously! Why would I have my parents pay good money for good ‘help’ just to blow it off? Is she dumb?!?:!?! does she thing I’m dumb? obviously! She sure does know how to piss a person off! I’m just glad I don’t have to be around her for a while. I get to stay at my Grandpa’s by myself for a few weeks then off to camp for a week. A few days later I go on my mission trip. But then I’m home the rest of the summer. When school starts I will be home a lot, but I also have the option to go to the depot and do work, or outside. I guess I have that option now bbut nothing to do while I’m at the depot or outside. I guess this is why I get so frustrated. I don’t know how to put all of my thoughts and feelings onto paper or in words. Some would say I did it perfectly but there is so much more than just this.

From my little box,
<3 Gabrielle.